I woke up
around 6:30 to pee still wondering if I should cancel. Just cancel, check out
and go home. That’s the right thing to do right? Or the smart thing...or whatever. Have I changed? Am I growing
tired of these clandestine trists? Am I done playing?
I have so very little contact with him. We barely know each other even though I’ve been seeing him most of the year. I don’t even know why I keep coming back. Okay no, that's a big fat lie. I know why. He's made my top 5 of all time best lovers I've ever had-certainly the best I've had all year. I should add the best I've had in 6 years since I never stepped out on my most recent ex; which I find fucking crazy! But, then I think if I had stepped out and found some comfort for a time I would have stayed longer and as it is I stayed too long anyway.
MacGeyser has become a benchmark and each time I see him it's better than the previous time. This anxiousness I feel could be that I'm anticipating a let down. Seriously...what else can he DO? He'll have to...make a twin brother materialize to come and double tap me because honestly I can't think of anything else. Sadly, it’ll never BE anything else than this unless one or both of us choose to be more vulnerable; which is very unlikely. He's a player and so am I (he more than me) and we both know it. It's possible neither one of us wants to get hurt so we both dance around our feelings for each other with bite sized chunks of sharing mingled with a whole lot of distancing. It's childish...I know. We're broken. So what...I'm trying. Sort of.
I have so very little contact with him. We barely know each other even though I’ve been seeing him most of the year. I don’t even know why I keep coming back. Okay no, that's a big fat lie. I know why. He's made my top 5 of all time best lovers I've ever had-certainly the best I've had all year. I should add the best I've had in 6 years since I never stepped out on my most recent ex; which I find fucking crazy! But, then I think if I had stepped out and found some comfort for a time I would have stayed longer and as it is I stayed too long anyway.
MacGeyser has become a benchmark and each time I see him it's better than the previous time. This anxiousness I feel could be that I'm anticipating a let down. Seriously...what else can he DO? He'll have to...make a twin brother materialize to come and double tap me because honestly I can't think of anything else. Sadly, it’ll never BE anything else than this unless one or both of us choose to be more vulnerable; which is very unlikely. He's a player and so am I (he more than me) and we both know it. It's possible neither one of us wants to get hurt so we both dance around our feelings for each other with bite sized chunks of sharing mingled with a whole lot of distancing. It's childish...I know. We're broken. So what...I'm trying. Sort of.
Maybe he'll just blow me off this time. He did last time even though he was iffy and leaning toward 'no' about being able to find time for me. Along with being a Player, he's a dealer too. (LOL I'm going to tell him that next time-being a dealer and a player at the same time. He'll be amused.) The business of herb is booming. He's doing quite well for himself, but makes him even more unavailable because he's so driven to succeed financially. I know this about him. Something he told me the first time we were together. When we were both almost too drunk to fuck and he was trying to impress me by telling me how much money he makes/has (like I care). At one point in his life he was homeless and he vowed to never have empty pockets again. Ok...that impressed me.
Because I left things open with no response after he sent me a long apology and a promise to see me next time (from last month's blow off); which I shrug off as complete bullshit, once I did resurface 4 weeks later with an 'I want you to fuck me' message, he responded within seconds with 'Where are you? I'm ready.' and sends pictures to show me. 'Your pussy must have been screaming at you cuz I've been thinking about you.' He either missed me and thought I'd never message him again or he's just horny and I happen to coincidentally text him when he's jerking off..or both.
After a deluge of texts rapidly firing back and forth, which leaves me panting and cursing him, he calls me. I frown and I stare at my phone. He NEVER calls me. That's new and it makes me uneasy. ~sighs~ I answer like a meek little girl. 'hello?' Yes, we know each other well enough to know exactly what to say to get each other off in less than a minute.
'You good?...SAY YES!'
Yes
'~chuckles~ Thank you sweetheart. You have a good day ok?'
Ok. You too.
*click
The two weeks leading up to today were laden with negotiations to see each other again. His schedule and mine were not lining up until finally today worked out perfectly for both of us. Measure 91 just passed for Oregon so he is busier than ever cementing a foothold there. One tiny sliver of time sandwiched between his work appts. He's delighted and so am I...well up until the whole Phuket fiasco (Phuket fiasco...~snorts~ Christ...who writes this smut. Me. Who's reading it? YOU.).
Because I left things open with no response after he sent me a long apology and a promise to see me next time (from last month's blow off); which I shrug off as complete bullshit, once I did resurface 4 weeks later with an 'I want you to fuck me' message, he responded within seconds with 'Where are you? I'm ready.' and sends pictures to show me. 'Your pussy must have been screaming at you cuz I've been thinking about you.' He either missed me and thought I'd never message him again or he's just horny and I happen to coincidentally text him when he's jerking off..or both.
After a deluge of texts rapidly firing back and forth, which leaves me panting and cursing him, he calls me. I frown and I stare at my phone. He NEVER calls me. That's new and it makes me uneasy. ~sighs~ I answer like a meek little girl. 'hello?' Yes, we know each other well enough to know exactly what to say to get each other off in less than a minute.
'You good?...SAY YES!'
Yes
'~chuckles~ Thank you sweetheart. You have a good day ok?'
Ok. You too.
*click
The two weeks leading up to today were laden with negotiations to see each other again. His schedule and mine were not lining up until finally today worked out perfectly for both of us. Measure 91 just passed for Oregon so he is busier than ever cementing a foothold there. One tiny sliver of time sandwiched between his work appts. He's delighted and so am I...well up until the whole Phuket fiasco (Phuket fiasco...~snorts~ Christ...who writes this smut. Me. Who's reading it? YOU.).
I get back into bed, but sit up to meditate. My mind floats away. A small distraction bubbles up to question if I should steal one of the pillows because they are truly divine…really want to steal a soft fluffy….is this the end? Things end. Sometimes abruptly. I always prepare myself for it now after what happened with BrentTen. Ugh...I push thoughts of BT far away. I'm still raw over him. Still hurt and I kind of feel a little guilty that I barely gave him a shrug as a response. I sent him a blank email and then followed it with a sort of cryptic and brief answer, but I'm sorry...no, I don't want to stay friends, Brent. I don't wanna! Fucker...
MacGeyser texts at 7:30 and my heart jumps into my throat. He's confirming...10ish-11ish. It’s his way…being ISH. It keeps me waiting and wanting. It’s a game he enjoys, I’m sure. Making me wait.
He had actually texted the day before to also confirm and hoped I had come up a day early so he could have me twice. This is the second time he has expressed his desire for me as being somewhat on the same level as mine for him. Up until recently, it was only about my needs being satisfied and he was happy to be of service to me. Happy to fulfill my cravings, my desires, my needs. This new dynamic made me feel uncomfortable and I could feel myself automatically binding, shielding and grounding; protecting myself.
This weekend was not turning out to be the way I imagined and I can tell I’m off my game because of Phuket. I head off to breakfast. I love free breakfast and I send Phuket a very nice text back…of course I still want to be friends; which is true. I text MacGeyser back something gritty and dirty…yes, I’ll be ready for him. Who am I kidding? Myself? I’m not cancelling!! Then I also check in with two friends to lament over Phuket. All the disappointment. They had hoped he would be a contender. They want to know about MacGeyser too.
I raid the housekeeping cart on my way back from breakfast and grab a bunch of towels...cuz well, you know...and head down to my room again. I spend some time primping, drinking the rest of the sangria Phucket brought from last night and then settle in to watch tv.
There's a quick knock on the door just before 11:00. I turn off the tv and head toward the door to peer through the peephole. Bastard has it covered with his finger. HA! Just before I look away he uncovers it and makes a monster face at me, waggling his tongue at me. I squeal, laugh and hurriedly open the door. He immediately pushes his way in, locks the door behind him and then places his hand on my stomach and pushes me back while leading me into the room.
God he smells good-a nice mix between freshly bathed and slowly baked in weed. I tell him how good he looks, he graciously accepts the compliment with a boyish smile and tells me I'm gorgeous as always. We chit chat about nothing in particular as we undress and kiss. He's faster than me, then runs across the room and flips backward onto the bed-posed with his ankles crossed and hands behind his head grinning while he watches me finish. He remarks that I've lost more weight and frowns a little bit. I turn and show him my backside and playfully say over a shoulder, 'Do you still like it anyway?'
He laughs, 'You know I do, but try not to lose more.' I refrain from making a comment (Huh! I'll do what I want...or you can't tell me what to do! because oh he can, he will and I'll concede) and instead climb onto the bed, crawling over to him as he reaches out to knead my thigh with one hand and a breast with the other. 'I love all this flesh...all this softness...all these curves.' This makes me smile. I've gotten to a place of acceptance regarding my body and I like that I'm now attracting men who appreciate women who look like me. I close my eyes and melt into his gentle caresses. Suddenly, he reaches around, spanks me hard and I yelp in protest instinctively trying to cover myself. He flips me over, holds me down roughly (that's gonna leave a mark) and that sends me off into gigglefit. Really? You're going to pull a 50 Shades on me? Puhlease. He raises an eyebrow. 'I don't know what you're talking about.' Mmmhmm. I act unimpressed and roll my eyes at him. He grins at me 'Alright alright. Challenge accepted.'
We begin to Edge; which we haven't done before together. When I say 'We' I mean 'He' Edged me since he wouldn't let me up to Edge him back; which kept him in control over me. Fiiiiiiine. He can tell as my breathing becomes more deliberate that I'm not new to this practice. He proceeds to blissfully torture me for two hours bringing me right to the edge literally, making me hover, teetering so close I can barely stand it and then pulling me back down before starting all over again. He asks for more of me...all of me and he'd smile every time my aura would arc out, but I'm reluctant to give my all. I won't and probably never will. I'm not in love him. He doesn't deserve it.
At one point I cover his eyes and tell him to stop looking at me with his pretty eyes. He completely stops what he's doing and gives me a surprised look.
'I have pretty eyes?'
Yes. What? Are you fishing for compliments now *****? Ok. I think you're stunningly beautiful inside and out.
He looks genuinely touched. Of course I have to sabotage this moment immediately and blurt out
...besides I don't fuck ugly men.
'HAHA! You don't have to baby.'
He kisses me and continues. One of the best kissers...Yep. No hint of shamu with him.
The hotel phone rings at some point. I don't answer it, but we already know 'time's up'. I am long past check out time. We have to get out soon or I'll make him pay for another night.
'Have you suffered enough?' I wonder if he knows his question is loaded. He asks me to move to Washington again. I can't tell if he's sincere or just consumed by lust.
'Yes. Give it to me. We don't have time for me to beg you properly.' He nods and immediately takes me right over the edge into oblivion, completely emptying the Light right out of me as he pours all his into me. I think if he had asked me 6 months ago I would have seriously considered it and made him mine for a while, but my mind is made up. Too many things have gone awry for me this year. I'm tired. I'm want to go home. I want to go where the sun loves me. The thought of spending one more winter in Portland makes me want to stab myself in the face.
We jump up and shower. Happily talking about nothing in particular. He also remarks about how amazing the toiletries smell and proceed to use an entire bottle on himself. I wonder if he is also planning on robbing the housekeeping cart on the way out. We get out and dress quickly. He throws open the curtains and peeks out the window into the parking lot. "I guess the green is on the other side," he said. "Well, we didn't come for the green," I reply as I stroke his cheek and kiss him. He smiles back, smacks me on the ass and then asks me when I was coming back up. I tell him probably next month sometime. I'll let him know. "Perfect, I'll see you next time sweetheart." And with that he grabs his keys and wallet and heads out the door.
I start gathering my stuff together, finish the rest of Phuket's delicious homemade sangria (such a shame about that), load up the hard cider he brought me just in case I didn't like the Sangria (Crispin...bleh. I thought everyone loved Angry Orchard) and take off to make the trek home.
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